


when you found me, I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

by qetbackhonkycat



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27199543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qetbackhonkycat/pseuds/qetbackhonkycat
Summary: "I don't know what you want from me."
Relationships: The Captain/Lieutenant Havers (Ghosts TV 2019)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 84





	when you found me, I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Waistcoat35](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waistcoat35/gifts).



> hey all
> 
> back again
> 
> this is probably very much ooc so I apologise,, but I was feeling the angst, so here you are.
> 
> (also let's pretend their rooms are the only ones on that corridor) 
> 
> special shout out to my pal and screaming buddy, casey. you are a treasure, my dear and i am extremely thankful we found each other. thank u for putting up with my ridiculous thoughts and thank u for making me cry way too often. ily 
> 
> ok, everybody! please enjoy! <3

Havers knocks on the door lightly, the same as he does every night. He's had a rough day, as most days, and this is normally how it plays out. They'd been playing this game for a while. It was purely routine now.

He answers. The door is kicked shut behind them by Havers. He wraps his arms around the man's waist and starts kissing his neck. He starts undoing the man's tie. It's rushed.

"I- I can't do this tonight, William."

Havers immediately retreats and starts apologising profusely. "I-"

"It's quite alright. At ease, soldier. I just don't feel like it tonight," The Captain hesitates, and looks just past Havers, "You're free to go."

"I'd prefer not to."

"I just told you that I'm not up for anything tonight."

"Yes, and I heard you quite clearly," Havers smiles, tentatively, "and what I'm telling you is that I'm not leaving if there is something wrong. I know your body language well enough now, Edward. Now if you'll have me, I'd like to stay."

"Very well."

They sit on the bed in silence for a while. They don't touch, they don't make eye contact. 

The Captain is the first to speak up.

"You can leave, you know."

"Would you like me to repeat myself? I said I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't know what you want from me."

"What I want -", Havers sighs, "what I want from you?"

"Why are you here, Havers?"

Havers tries to ignore the fact The Captain had reverted to formality.

"To check on you. To make sure you're well."

"You've never done so before."

Havers scoffs. 

"I've never done so before?"

"Not part of the arrangement."

"And what arrangement is that, _Sir_?"

"If you don't know, then there's no point in my telling."

Havers gets up from the bed. 

"What do you expect from me?"

"Nothing."

"Do you expect me to have been doing this," he gestures between them, "for months and not once mind about how you're feeling?"

The Captain doesn't answer, so Havers continues, 

"Yes, I came here for the exact reason I come here every night, because that's the _arrangement_ , that's what we'd started. Now, if you think that because you're not up for it, that I'm just going to waltz back down to my quarters when I see there's something wrong, then you clearly do not know me the way I thought you did."

"You can go, Havers." 

"Anyone else might take you up on that, but not me. You can keep pushing me away, Edward, but I'm staying. I'll sleep on the floor if I have to. I'm not leaving because I know there is something wrong, and I know that your mind can be your worst enemy at times."

"Havers, don't pretend this is something it's not."

"And what would that be?"

"You know full well."

"Pretend I don't. Spell it out to me." 

Havers retreats to the window seat. The Captain is perched on the end of his bed. 

The Captain sighs, "you come here to let go of frustrations, I welcome you in order for me to do the same. Nothing more, nothing less, Lieutenant." 

Havers has never seen him this cold, he doesn't realise he spoke it.

"Excuse me?" The Captain turns. 

Havers decides to run with it. No point in backing down now, "I said, I've never seen you this cold. What has happened?"

"Nothing that would concern you."

"It concerns me when it's you."

It was now The Captain's turn to raise his voice, "Why? Tell me why, Havers? All you need me for is a quick tumble in the sheets, why should this matter to you now? See yourself out."

Havers goes quiet, his voice is quiet.

"Is that a direct order, Captain?"

They make eye contact. The Captain looks so fragile, so broken.

"Do you want it to be?"

"I think you know the answer to that."

The Captain doesn't. He doesn't know anything, he decides.

"A quick tumble in the sheets?", Havers sighs.

"Sorry?"

"A quick tumble in the sheets? Is that what you think _this_ is?" 

"That is exactly what this is." 

"If you say so, Sir." 

The Captain swears he sees some sort of sadness, or confusion in Havers' eyes but he dismisses it.

"We do what we need, we sleep, and you leave in the early morning, before the sun rises. _That_ is what this is."

"Very well. I'm afraid I've overstayed my welcome, Sir. I will see you tomorrow for the morning briefing. I understand that we will no longer be continuing this. It's for the best."

Havers gets up to leave. He makes his way to the door, goes to turn the handle- 

"Don't. Don't go."

"I need to."

"No, you don't."

"I do."

"Please."

"If you so wish." 

Havers returns to the window seat. 

"Thank you." 

Moments pass,

"Is this it, then? Are we to sit in silence?"

"Havers. What if I wanted you to stay?"

"That wouldn't be appropriate."

"I think we both know we're quite the way past appropriate."

"Maybe," Havers lets out a breath, "may I ask what is troubling you?" He says it calmly, like he's approaching a young foal - any wrong move could cause it to bolt.

"It isn't important."

"Nonsense."

"You're argumentative tonight."

"Got to do something to pass the time," a pause, "sorry, that was insensitive."

"It's quite alright, Havers." 

"I wish you'd call me William."

Havers moves to join him on the edge of the bed, slowly. It's as though he hardly makes an impression on the sheets, for the fear of startling his Captain.

"I'm not here to pry-"

"I cannot do this anymore. This - between us."

"As you wish, Captain. I'll-"

"I can't do it. I can't do this," he gestures between them, as Havers had done earlier, "any longer."

"Like I said, Sir, I will go-"

"You're not listening to me, William."

"I _am_ listening."

"I don't know what you want from me. I'm not willing to do this anymore." 

Havers is exhausted. He's exhausted from running around in circles. He sighs, a great, long sigh.

"I don't _want_ anything from you. I just want _you_."

"When it suits." The Captain mumbles.

"That's really what you think, isn't it? That's honestly what you think?"

"I - I don't know."

Havers stands up suddenly.

"Well, I do know. I know that I wake up every morning wishing you were beside me. I know that I wish that I didn't have to sneak back down the corridor to my own quarters. I know that I spend every waking minute we're not together, thinking about you. I know that when you're giving a briefing in the early hours of the morning and the sun through the window hits your face, and highlights your beauty, that I could swear I feel my heart beat out of rhythm. And more importantly, I know that for as long as I can remember, the day I first got stationed here, something pulled me toward you, and I never wanted to let go. I'm drawn to you, Edward. I'm drawn to you, and I never wish for that to change. You are the man I love, so no, I don't want anything from you, except from your heart, because God knows, you already have mine." Havers pauses, "Now, I shall go." 

Havers turns to face the door.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be."

"And, how was it supposed to be? We're just a quick go each night is that it? You expected me not to grow attached to you?"

"This isn't how it was supposed to go for me."

"What could that possibly mean?"

"You started it as a pastime."

"You started it as a way to let out your frustrations." 

"That's not true."

"Neither is the former. I kissed you that night because I was drawn to you. God, I had been for such a long time. I was aching to be near you."

"That- that's what you thought?"

"Wasn't that blatantly obvious?"

The Captain has risen from his position on the bed, and is now pacing. 

"Not that I can say."

"I have spent every night in your arms and you think it's not obvious."

"A way of relieving frustrations."

"Edward."

The Captain spins around. They make eye contact. Havers surges forward across the room.

He pulls the man in by his waist and kisses him. 

It's soft. It's slow. It's nothing like they'd had before. It had always been rushed, heated, under the worry that the seconds will tick by and they'll have to be faced with the morning once more. 

The morning was a distant thought. They had all the time in the world. 

"I meant what I said. This means something to me. You have my heart, Edward. You always have done." 

"I don't know what to say-"

"Just say you feel the same."

"I don't know how to navigate this."

"You don't need to. I don't know either."

They both exhale. 

"Come to bed with me?" The Captain whispers, "just to sleep, if that is alright with you. I understand if not."

"Sleep would be welcomed at this hour."

They strip down into their undergarments. It's an odd feeling, they both register. It's more intimate, in a way, to be so vulnerable with someone without being in the throes of passion. To notice little features, and characteristics that one might not have noticed before. 

They both climb under the covers.

"Do you mind if-"

"Please."

Havers shifts so The Captain is resting his head on his chest. Havers is running the tips of his fingers down The Captain's arm. 

They lay like this in silence for what seems like eternity. Time had stopped. They both feel incredibly vulnerable, but they welcome it. 

They feel their muscles relax. Havers is starting to doze. 

"I do feel the same, William. I have since the day you walked into my office to introduce yourself. I knew then, and I know now. I don't have the words to hand, but I know how I feel, even if I cannot articulate them as well as you."

"That's quite alright. No need for that now. Sleep."

Havers placed a chaste kiss to The Captain's hair.

He didn't leave when the sun came up. 

_He stayed._


End file.
